I guess I’ve gotten a bit behind on this blog business. That’s what happens when you’re feeling a bit depressed. I hung onto that emotion for a while. Eventually, I ended up accepting the fact that I’m going to be here for a while. Now I’m hoping to leave by late summer of 2008.
So in an effort to take that first step toward acceptance, I took my house off the market. I wanted God, and everyone else, to know that I was serious about accepting His time line for my life. It was a tough decision to make and it took me a while to let it sink in and then act on it. But I finally did it in late November.
The conversation with my realtor (Vito – yes, that’s really his name) was rather entertaining. It went something like this:
Me: After much prayer and consideration, I’ve decided to pull my listing.
Vito: Ok, I can do that for you. But can I ask why?
Me: Yes, I believe God is telling me to pull it. I’m doing it out of obedience to Him.
Vito: Ok, so you’re pulling the listing because God told you to?
Me: Yes…blah, blah, blah…I know it’s hard to understand, and quite difficult to explain.
Vito: Blah, blah, blah…So you’re pulling the listing because God told you to?
Me: Yes…blah, blah, blah
Vito: Well, if God told you to, I can’t argue with Him.
The conversation continued like that for a little while. And he verified several times that it was because God told me to. I almost laughed out loud a few times. Poor guy. I know it’s so hard for non-believers to understand a Christian’s motivation for doing something.
Archive for November, 2007
Update
Today Is My Birthday
Tonight in the “Care to Connect” class I’m taking at church, I realized something important. The teacher pointed out that depression is really just anger turned inward. Since I’ve been depressed recently, I started wondering what I was angry about. That’s when it dawned on me that I’m going through the five stages of grieving.
I very genuinely believed that God would have me in Africa for my birthday and Christmas. Obviously that’s not going to happen, since today is my birthday and Christmas is just around the corner. And I’m not in Zambia. I was certainly in denial about when I was getting there. Then I became angry. For the past several days I’ve been terribly depressed.
So it finally got through my head that I’m grieving the fact that I’m not in Africa by the time I thought I should be there. Turns out I’ve already gone through most of the stages. Maybe, now that I realize what’s going on, I can skip ahead to acceptance.
Tired
I can’t believe it’s already November. My birthday is next week and I had such great plans to be in Africa by then. Obviously, I’m still here. And I’m tired. My soul is tired.
I’m tired of keeping my house up so people can come look at it. Tired of making the bed every day. Tired of making sure there are no dishes in the sink. Tired of keeping the house tidy. It’s been almost 3 weeks since anyone has looked, but “You never know!”
I am exhausted from living in this constant state of limbo. Never really able to make plans, desperately wanting to take a real vacation. Tired of being anxious and uncertain.
I am tired of being alone in my support raising. Not being able to share the load on a daily basis. Not being able to share the joys. I am tired of not really knowing what I’m doing in raising support. God seems to bring in a lot more when I just get out of the way.
